By Chris Lee
The MacMillan Dictionary describes toxic masculinity as: “…an adherence to traditional male gender roles that expect boys and men to show few emotions and assert their dominance.”
When I first heard that term I did not like it. It didn’t sit well with me. On social media I’d see the word “toxic” thrown around to describe other people’s unsavory actions or personality traits. My ex, my son’s father, my baby’s mother, my boss – they’re toxic.
Like most people, I had never actually taken the time to research the term or its origins. As it turns out, toxic masculinity succinctly describes a very unfortunate tipping point in our society. In his 2018 book “Dissolving Toxic Masculinity”, relationship expert Dr Thomas Haller wrote:
“Men have learned that to be masculine they must be powerful and unrelenting. Manhood is claimed by taking ownership of things. Money, real estate, social status, and sexual conquest have become the valued commodities that represent power and strength. Power over another, or what sociologists for years have termed “dominance behavior,” is seen as the core virtue of masculinity. A set of societal standards now dictates that men be strong, unemotional, aggressive, and dominant over women.”
To dominate or exploit others has become the benchmark of manhood. Your favorite movie hero is probably an ass-kicking, womanizing, macho man. The exploits of athletes, rock stars and business men have been celebrated for many years…until now.
Here we sit on the cusp of the U.S. presidential election, the term toxic masculinity has been bantered about quite a bit. The current U.S. President Donald Trump, surprisingly, has been applauded by many Americans for numerous racist and misogynistic comments dating back to the early days of his run as a presidential candidate. (Which is just as much of an indictment of American values as it is of the President himself.)
The Democratic party nominee, Joe Biden, is lovingly referred to as “Creepy Uncle Joe” by many Americans. He does indeed have a penchant for being creepy. There are numerous YouTube compilations with squeamishly uncomfortable footage of the longtime Senator awkwardly touching women, sniffing women’s hair and forcing unwanted hugs on young girls. How are they able to get away with this?
The answer for both men is simple. Other men are not holding these men accountable. In order for the oppressed to overcome oppression, they need the support of those not a part of the oppression. The same way that African-Americans needed white allies, women need male allies. Women don’t necessarily need men to save them. Over the centuries there have been many times when women were the ones doing the saving.
Women need allies in the form of men that hold other men accountable. Way before things progress to serious allegations and criminal charges, there were/are men in their circles that did not speak up. Men that chose to look the other way or possibly even egged on the bad behavior. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed to learn that people close to men like R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein and Jeffery Epstein all knew (or knew of) what these people were doing and never said a word.
An acquaintance of mine got into some trouble a while back for roughing up his wife. They had a disagreement that started with words and turned physical. He sought out the counsel of a respected clergyman in town. During the course of the conversation, the pastor minimized what had happened by telling my friend that ‘sometimes women don’t know their place and they need a not-so-gentle reminder.’ He went on to admit that he too had roughed his wife up on occasion.
Instead of holding him accountable the pastor basically said it was ok, and that is happening far too often among men. As men we must hold other males in our circle accountable. We must be willing to speak up. Exploiting others by way of sexual abuse, sexual misconduct, or through violence is not manly. More importantly, injustice for any group of people is an injustice for everyone. Although society works hard to categorize us and thus separate us, we are one.